Dear Bucko-

Dear Bucko-

I remember most the pajama's you were wearing. They were white with primary colored airplanes and clouds on them, there was red banding at your ankles and wrists. Dark tousled hair acted as a hat for your glaring frowny face. You were not about to be mollified by our smiles and silent Hello-es! Your mom was busy loading the belt with basket items, so your normal support system and shelter was distracted, you were on your own with two people staring at you. Your hands buried themselves in your armpits, arms crossed, there was no way we were welcome.

We stood with random items in our hands. Husband and Wife, kiddo at home with a sitter or at grandma's for the night, I can't remember that detail. But we were young parents, and as is the nature of young parents we thought we could baby whisper any and all kids. But the late night and grocery store atmosphere were all ready two strikes against us. Third strike came when my man dared to say How's it going kiddo?

Snap! CRACK! You slapped one hand onto the bar the other was pointed at us with force and you hollered... HEY, BUCKO!!! Like we were in trouble for daring to talk to you, so we pulled ourselves back in from our flinches, we reined in our smiles, and threw up our hands in mock surrender. You had won.

Now ten years later, you Bucko kid are probably starting to think about girls, maybe you are gearing up for your last year of middle school. You have no idea how your two words and big attitude have affected our life. Hey, bucko! is a family term, used when someone is pulling attitude and needs to be brought back to earth and all because you were grumpy in a grocery store late at night.

We thank you, Bucko Kid.

A year to let things go... she said

My mom gave me my grandmother's diamond earrings today. The posts are ribbed, the backs have to be screwed on, a safety net so they won't fall off accidentally. As I attempted to put them on this afternoon, I remembered being a little girl, watching my mom put on her jewelry, and how she always reaches her arm behind her head to put on her earrings. I still have never seen anyone else do it the same way.

This little thing, this small piece of family that she has been holding on to, was passed to me. It made my heart quicken and thud heavier in my chest.

"I am not ready for this"... I thought...

I am not ready for her to pass on family items because I don't want her to give them up yet.

She talked about going back to Indiana to get the final boxes out of storage that were from my grandmother's house. She talked about finding the winter coat of her brother in the bottom of a keepsake box in her mom's closet.

Her brother died ten years before she was born, of cerebral palsy. We didn't even know the cause of his death till after I had Alex. Skeletons in the families closet, next to small winter coats.

She wondered out loud to me over coffee and tea, What to do with that coat? I could only say to keep it, because it was family. In my mind, I can see my grandmother in her closet, folding away her son's winter coat, memory keeping because he was gone and would need it no longer.

I am not ready for her year of letting things go. I don't know how to handle the ghosts in objects that she is ready to release to me. I don't want to think of mortality, not yet.

Savoring #15

Today I have been savoring memories, all the little things and big things that have happened over the last 10 years, a decade of life. But it wasn't till I saw Lisa's Decade in Review post that I knew I had to share it in my favorite format, so welcome to my Decade in Review LISTED!

In the Last Ten Years, I...

• Had a baby, a month early, who needed NICU, and I refused pain killers after our crazy delivery.
• Married my high school sweetheart at a vineyard surrounded by friends and family.
• Had a private dinner with friends while we had a private concert with Jason Mraz.
• Moved 6 times, last time to Texas.
• Survived crazy summer flooding.
• Fell more in love with cooking.
• Started gardening.
• Had a fabulous vacation in Cancun.
• Went parasailing.
• Gained weight.
• Let my hair grow really long.
• Learned how to knit.
• Scrapped for a living.
• Scrapped for a hobby.
• Started a business with Casey.
• Adopted amazing dogs.
• Fostered amazing dogs.
• Fell in love with a Shih Tsu.
• Made a Best Friend.
• Realized that friendship, like love, isn't always equal.
• Reacquainted with lots of old friends.
• Taught outside my comfort zone and scored an awesome contract.
• Went to the beach and watched the sunset behind me, so weird to this Cali girl.
• Was baptized!
• Picked up a camera to share how I see things.

You.

Dear Casey:

Have I ever told you how much I loved that you pursued me 15 years ago? You were everything that my teen aged heart wanted in a guy. You were HOT, smart, funny as all get out, you were the popular guy, you romanced me with poetry and flowers, you were passionate and opinionated, you were the dangerous boy who was so so so good. When we first flirted you had long pink hair and you took me to meet your parents at a competition. You use to point out that my jawline was strong and defined, something so little that you so vocally admired. You thought my body was awesome, something that I had never thought myself. You taught me to love me as I was through your words and actions and love.

Seven years ago we married at our winery. We said our vows in front of all our family and friends, people who had supported us in our decisions for years. You wiped away my tears through my laughter, you held my hands tight and never took your eyes from me until we both looked at Alex. You gave me the magical wedding that I had imagined, all feminine and girlie and beautiful. You picked a wedding ring that I get complimented on all the time. And you didn't smash cake in my face, thank you thank you thank you.

A Couple weeks ago I hung up our collage frames that we had stored for years. They are full of us, young us, the beginning of us, and I have loved staring at them remembering those moments and others not pictured. Alex has been learning those early stories, the small details about you that I remember. Like your hands, how they were always callused from your music playing. And how you would play with Matt every single day after school. I have told him about the ham and cheese sandwiches we use to share at lunch and how you use to call my winter coat my Patting bear coat. I have shown him all the pictures of us snuggled up so tightly in each others arms and he pointed out how you are doing the finger scratching thing you do in all most all of them. You do that to him sometimes.

Casey, I love you, all of you. The guy you were, the man you are today. Today your hands aren't callused from playing your bass but from the pen caps you click open and closed while you teach. Today you play with Alex every chance you get, always challenging him to a game of some sort. Today you make cheese pizzas and share them with us both. Today you steal my Ugg slippers and wear them around with your heels hanging off the back. Today I have tons of pictures of you snuggled up with Alex or with one of the pups. Today you work your ass off to give to us. You give us time, you give us security, you give us all of you.

I have wanted you from the beginning, have wanted you in my life for always. I am so glad that you are Alex's Daddy, that you are my husband, that we moved to Texas together, that we have stuck together. I am so glad that I have 15 years of you to look back on and to smile over.

Happy Anniversary Casey. I love you.

Nicole

Just two inches and 16 years.

I woke up this morning with plans for a perfect breakfast of eggs, bagels, and fruit. I discovered though that our fridge door had been left open all night about two inches. Just two inches ruined 6 garbage bags of food. Everything was tossed save the watermelon. All the fresh cheeses and meats, all the condiments, all the brand new yogurts and juices. Every stinking warm as bathwater piece. So we drained and tossed it all, rushed it to the curb in time for garbage pickup, and I cleaned the fridge like the good girl that I am. I must say that is it easier to clean when it is completely empty then when you have a table full of food you are rushing to get back in there.

We headed out after a breakfast of peanut butter sandwiches, stocked up on the basics, and then headed out to see Balls of Fury. Good thing Casey and Alex enjoyed it because it was all most as dumb as Joe Verses the Volcano (which is my high point for stupid movies). Then we had an early dinner at a steakhouse complete with Rattlesnake bites, peanuts to toss on the floor and sweet tea. Happy tums all around.

Yesterday I talked with two of my best friends from as far back as middle school, they are married to each other and have an adorable little guy. Found out that Ty was contacted by the girl that I was best friends with for a couple years before she moved to Florida. God the memories that brought back. Made me think of Jughead comics, swatch phones, Brian Ty and Matt singing "You've lost that Lovin' Feeling", Sunday bagels, her mom tanning, the announcement that we were now officially part of the Gulf war and Donald Duck juice. Funny thing was that I had been thinking about her a couple months ago because I remembered that her little brother has the same middle name as Alex.

Brooke and I always seem to reminisce about high school and so and so. And it has started to make me feel old, I think I said to Brooke " Damn we are old!" about ten times before she told me to shut up. *grin* She told me about people contacting her through her myspace page and she sent me off to see their pictures and talk about Remember When's. All those pages are one of the main reason's why I refuse to setup an official MySpace page. No way no how, because then Brooke and I wouldn't have anything to send us off on a trip down memory lane.

$4 .vs. $20

They smell like weeds, feel like weeds, but they don't look like weeds, so they must be flowers! Flowers that look even better in a small creamer, flowers that look lovely with Alex's bowl of strawberries. Flowers that look happy everywhere that I have toted them in the house. so far they have lived on my nightstand, in our bathroom, next to my laptop on the kitchen table, they have visited the deck and front room, and are right now looking adorable next to the not so adorable TV remotes. Oh for the love of flowers...

When I was a kid we lived in La Costa. Between La Costa and Encinitas, decades before the super Target and mega subdivisions went in there were miles of flower fields carved from the sandstone cliffs. One field had a ramshackle, literally built with wooden crates, stand that sold armloads of the fresh cut flowers. My mom would buy armloads, hers and mine, of a dozen different type of flowers for maybe $20. She would pull out the tall heavy glass vases when we got home and would liter every flat surface with those clear pillars of bright flowers.

Today, I get a creamer full of flowers for $4. Oh what a sweet creamer it is though...