You.

Dear Casey:

Have I ever told you how much I loved that you pursued me 15 years ago? You were everything that my teen aged heart wanted in a guy. You were HOT, smart, funny as all get out, you were the popular guy, you romanced me with poetry and flowers, you were passionate and opinionated, you were the dangerous boy who was so so so good. When we first flirted you had long pink hair and you took me to meet your parents at a competition. You use to point out that my jawline was strong and defined, something so little that you so vocally admired. You thought my body was awesome, something that I had never thought myself. You taught me to love me as I was through your words and actions and love.

Seven years ago we married at our winery. We said our vows in front of all our family and friends, people who had supported us in our decisions for years. You wiped away my tears through my laughter, you held my hands tight and never took your eyes from me until we both looked at Alex. You gave me the magical wedding that I had imagined, all feminine and girlie and beautiful. You picked a wedding ring that I get complimented on all the time. And you didn't smash cake in my face, thank you thank you thank you.

A Couple weeks ago I hung up our collage frames that we had stored for years. They are full of us, young us, the beginning of us, and I have loved staring at them remembering those moments and others not pictured. Alex has been learning those early stories, the small details about you that I remember. Like your hands, how they were always callused from your music playing. And how you would play with Matt every single day after school. I have told him about the ham and cheese sandwiches we use to share at lunch and how you use to call my winter coat my Patting bear coat. I have shown him all the pictures of us snuggled up so tightly in each others arms and he pointed out how you are doing the finger scratching thing you do in all most all of them. You do that to him sometimes.

Casey, I love you, all of you. The guy you were, the man you are today. Today your hands aren't callused from playing your bass but from the pen caps you click open and closed while you teach. Today you play with Alex every chance you get, always challenging him to a game of some sort. Today you make cheese pizzas and share them with us both. Today you steal my Ugg slippers and wear them around with your heels hanging off the back. Today I have tons of pictures of you snuggled up with Alex or with one of the pups. Today you work your ass off to give to us. You give us time, you give us security, you give us all of you.

I have wanted you from the beginning, have wanted you in my life for always. I am so glad that you are Alex's Daddy, that you are my husband, that we moved to Texas together, that we have stuck together. I am so glad that I have 15 years of you to look back on and to smile over.

Happy Anniversary Casey. I love you.

Nicole

Beat that Cupid!

Two reasons why Casey is the best... these are two (of many!) random, but incrediably thoughtful things.

What's that?! In-n-Out in Texas? Casey rocks the hard freeze, all for me.
A duel screening of a very popular four letter movie that is out right now, just for me. Complete with mood lighting, potty breaks, tuck-in breaks, and two muffins tangled up in quilts.

Texas Date Night

When the kiddo is staying the night at Grandma's the best way to start off a Texas date night is with a carton of BB's, three fresh cartridges, a couple beers, and an empty box. Good times.

He makes me Dream of Queen and Dave

For me the Autumn is more then the turning of the leaves, it is the season that my love affair with Casey is wrapped up in. From high school football games and chilly Autumn nights, to sweet first kisses under an afghan, to starry nights driving down De Luz Canyon and sitting on top of the mountain, to a Vineyard and willow tree where I met Casey at the end of a petal path. Autumn, October, is the background in my mind for us.

Our anniversary is tomorrow, and when I let my mind wander to that day I can see the color of the light, golden and clear better then honey. I can smell the flowers and grass and the soft scent of wine, I can hear my laughter and crying under the sound of his vows, I can see his hands as he put my band on my finger, I can feel his thumbs as they wiped away my happy tears.

When I let my mind wander back further I can hear many nights of Queen, I can remember the first time I heard Dave Matthews with Ants marching out of a tape in his bedroom. I can see dinners by firelight, I can flash through thousands of memories.

Right now I can see him asleep, warm within a down comforter, his hand snuggling the back of our pup. I can hear his murmurs to Alex in the early morning light, I can hear the steady even breathing of him. Steady and Even, Casey.

I am remembering...

Casey and I started dating the Fall of 1993, the following summer he introduced me to me Dave Matthews Band and the music and lyrics of that band quickly seeped into every part of my life, my dreams, my future.

Tonight, my husband asked me if I was okay, and when I answered honestly with a shake of my head, he asked me to join him downstairs to sit with him for a while. So I curled up in my corner of the couch and watched a bit of the movie on TV and really just sat there being sad. Sad because of the things that changed and I wasn't even aware of it. Sad because I wasn't trusted and I was avoided. Sad because I thought I knew a relationship so well, and now there is a huge hole in it that I didn't even know was there. After that small bit of time I came up stairs still feeling that tight achiness under my ribs, still feeling isolated and lonely.

And then I saw the lyrics and the note that has been in front of me for 12 years. You see 12 years ago Casey printed out the lyrics to I'll Back You Up and wrote me a note.

Remember 2 things:

1. We'll always be with each other

2. We'll always grow together.

And for 12 years I have posted that note in a sleeve on my bulletin board at eye level. Reading that love note made me realize that my greatest friendship is downstairs snuggled on the couch. My greatest friendship is my marriage. And with that friendship I am not alone. And if I am isolated it is because I make myself that way.

Even though I am greatly sad about something I discovered tonight, I am going to go sit with my husband and Remember those two things he told me so many years ago. I am so thankful that when I told him earlier that I was really sad about something, he understood, he soothed me with the words I needed to hear, and he let me wander aimlessly and he wrote that love note to me so many years ago.

And for my friend, know that I am only ever happy for you, always.

Come out Come out Where ever you are

Readers this one is all about you. I know I have some friends and not yet known to me friends who read my bloggity rambles, but you rarely leave me comments. And I must admit that some days I wonder if its just my dad and me reading my blog. Or me and Lisa since she would win my comment award if I had one.

So in support of National DeLurking Week I am asking sweetly with sugar and sunshine on top for you to come out from behind your monitor, touch your keyboard, and leave me a quick note, just so I know your out there. Because if no one leaves me a love note, I will know that it is just my dad and Lisa checking in on my rambles. Which means I will have to threaten them with a lifetime of Bella Licks if they ever stop reading. With that in mind I will leave you with this, my absolutely favorite card from Casey ever. Cracks me up.

Being a Mrs.

Over the last couple weeks I have been constantly thinking about being a wife, what the roles, responsibilities, duties are for me. I have been inspired by some biblical passages, specifically Proverbs 31 and Titus 2. I have found some amazing women who are so selfless in their marriage and family, who struggle with the same things I do and who Changed. These women have taken those passages and live it to the fullest in their life. Luckily they have documented it all for women like me who need to learn.

When I was working, and rushing to pick up Alex after work, then sitting in traffic, and then maybe going to the grocery store and home to make dinner, I only ever wanted to be a stay at home mom. When I had that opportunity through a twist of fate and a corporate merger, I squandered it simply because I was overwhelmed. I had these images of June Cleaver and Mister Mom in my mind. I thought I knew how to clean house, I always thought that mostly followed by the wish that I had time too, but when that time came up, I discovered that I am a lousy housekeeper. I thought I could cook, and in fact I can cook for large groups of people, our First Friday parties were infamous, but cooking for us, wisely with nutrition in mind AND being able to use leftovers is something that I just couldn't come up with a educated thought on. I never even thought of taking care of our finances, that was always Casey's worry and honestly money scares me because I can't control myself with it. I thought that being a mom full time would be simple, I get to be with Alex all day! But then I had to answer to my self and my husband who works his butt off about my lack of ability. Sure I was good at taking the time for me, I nurtured me, I spoiled me, but my family suffered.

I have been blessed again to be at home since we moved here to Texas. Yes, I do work, but in the home and on our home businesses, sometimes I even end up back in the classroom teaching what I hated to teach, but now it is a joy. But I still struggle with all of the above. I have been focused this past month, on change, on living a better Wife and Mother role. I have been better. I still have so much to learn, so much to change, so much to just do everyday. But I can tell I am better. I am happier.

I have a huge role to fill as Mrs. Boyles. I am learning to not neglected it. To embrace it and shed the Nicole Price that I was. I have been married 5 years, I have spent the last 5 years with a ring on my finger, a joint bank account, a share bed, but I did not embrace my Job as a wife. I have been thinking of the current Mrs. Boyles who holds the reigning title, Casey's Grandma. When she passes on (hopefully not for many many years) I want to be worthy of this name. She is the glue that holds her family together. Her house is a Home, she feeds your belly and your soul. She loves and shares and is generally amazing. Through marriages and separate family names, the title will some day come to me to be the Mrs. Boyles, and hopefully Alex will have a Mrs. Boyles too. So in the mean time I am studying and learning and reading my bible more. And slowly becoming a fun mix of June Cleaver and Mister Mom.