What keeps us going



Twinkle Light in the morning

 Cliches have been sliding through my thoughts lately. Phrases like Hope Floats, a Man is an Island unto Himself, It's always greener on the other side of the fence, even lyrics like "Hearts and Hands and Smiles". All these unbidden ideas have been surfacing in the waters around my shores ( to continue the island idea).

When he left for work today and we exchanged Good Byes and answered final queries, I shut the door and wrapped my hands around my warm mug and thought to myself that we were islands, drifting parallel, stopping to discover each other like Unique Columbuses. We tied our anchors to each other and set down roots to hold our islands steady. Alex erupted like an undersea volcano, breaching into his own island, one that is docked between us till he is ready to drift on his own. His island wild and young, green and loud. Close to cultivating civilizations and deep dark forests. Our jobs to buffer him from the world's storms and open him to the world's calms. A trio of Islands, clustered, harboring and holding.

So what keeps us going through the storms and calms. Cliches once again rose to the surface of my mind. One after another, they based themselves on a simple concept. Easy to grasp when you do it blindly with faith. Hard to grasp when your eyes try to focus and direct.  Hope. It keeps us going with every motion and plan. We wake up and Hope that there is coffee. We plan and plot and outline the best possible course, and Hope that our life follows that chart. We send prayers and well wishes across the miles, sheltered in bubbles of Hope. We Hope that the cake tastes as good as it looks. Our trust is draped in Hope. Our love is unlimited in Hope.

I wonder what we can accomplish if we openly and purposefully see the Hope in every situation? Would the storms batter at us with duller edges? Would the sunshine be brighter and more crisp? Would our roots pull up and tangle themselves beneath our islands, nesting us together as we drift? Or would Hope thicken and deepen our roots, settling them into the core below?

 Irregardless, Hope is here. It feds us, shelters us, softens us, strengthens us. So maybe, just maybe, Hope is actually the waters that we Float upon.

How did that happen?

My desk is an absolute mess, it is covered in papers and misplaced items. There are stacks of books to be read, that have been read, and those needed for school. There are trees worth of handouts that Alex's teacher sent home and piles of junk mail that looked slightly interesting. *Read coupons for places we never go* So today, which is traditional a clean up day anyways, I am going to blow through this mess in the space of two songs. Only two songs or else I will justify keeping that coupons to the Mongolian Grill that I really didn't like.

Looking at the paper slide that is my desk I just kept asking myself, "How did that happen?". Usually my desk has at least one big open space to do school work on. The answer is simple, I had so much else to do! Casey was out of town this week on a business trip so I had the whole week to play solo parent. My week included:

• Two nights of school, where my mom stayed with Alex.
• Two days of teaching at home.
• Hours of studying for the two tests, 3 papers, and 2 labs I had to complete by Wednesday.
• Three nights of a sick Betty Dog, let me just say that I have used our carpet cleaner more in this week than I have in the last month.
• 11 Loads of laundry, with more in the washer today.
• Two nights of Alex ending up in our bed, just because.
• And of course one really good book that I was dying to finish.

So that is how that Paper slide happened.

I miss my mornings

I use to get up early before the dawn and would start my day in those quiet solo hours. I didn't do it willingly, each morning was a struggle to not hit snooze, but each morning had fabulous rewards that always outweighed the extra sleep. I use to walk in the dark, dodging frogs, watching for the sunrise. I would enjoy a morning Jackie and toast and rub puppy bellies with my foot. I would keep one ear open to the slumbering going on upstairs and the other tuned to the amount of noise I would make.

The summer stole my mornings away from me. I would instead stay up late with the crickets, floating in the pool by moonlight. I would sleep in past the sunrise and would struggle through grogginess as the hours hit the double digits. School started up again and I would rise just early enough to get Alex out the door and on the bus. But the flannel would always tempt me back to it's embrace, the sleeping Casey a lure on it's own.

As I stayed up today after the bus drop off, and forced upon myself a cup of coffee and toast, and tried to watch the sunrise, I remembered all the morning moments I have been missing. So once again I will submit myself to the torture of resetting a morning routine. I will gladly rise in the dark because I know that one morning soon, I truly will be glad to slip out of bed and into a few hours that stand apart from the rest of the day.

Carousel

I went to a wedding once as a child, the wedding was for a friend of my moms, a lovely woman named Kathleen. She was always the height of fashion and style. And she would sneak me candies when I was at my moms work. The reception was held at her parents house, out in the backwoods of Fallbrook or San Marcos or Del Mar. I was bored out of my mind as kids usually are at events that have nothing to do with them, that was until I spied something magical at the end of the property. Kathleen's parents had purchased years before the original carousel that use to sit at the end of the Oceanside pier, and now it resided down a small slope with a forest of trees surrounding it.

I walked between those old tired and worn out horses and sea monsters and sled chairs. There were crunchy leaves beneath my feet and spiderwebs hanging from the poles. But it was in an entirely different world then the very 80's party that was above me at the house. This carousel was a time machine to the beach and sun and sand and bathing suits not made with spandex. It was a piece of my local history, resting quietly away from the sea, slowly rotting into the forest around it. The carousel was divided into four different seasonal themes. There were horses with garlands of spring flowers permanently woven through their manes, and Tigers with snow clotted on their paws and holly on their backs.

I think of that carousel sometimes, of how the wood was weathered and the paint pealing, but if I tried only a little bit I could see it as it was meant to be, shiny, colorful and in use. My mom found me sitting in the nook in the very center of the carousel with my back to the spotted mirrors. I was imagining what the carousel would have looked like whirling around me. All of those seasons turning forward, spinning by so fast into the next.

As I have gotten older, my days feel like that imagined carousel turn, just peeling by so quickly, blurring into the next, with small details popping out of the daily smear. If I stand in the center of it all and focus on one day, one time, and turn my head with it as it moves by, that smidgen of minutes slows and comes into focus. I can follow it, watching it's moments and small details with ease. Soaking up the day instead of letting it blow by me. Focusing on its purpose, relishing its small delights, like fresh vacuum lines in the carpet, the crispy edges of newly turned leaves, the chill that rests on the windows in the mornings, and the squish of feet into slippers.

I have been focusing on the carousel this week, watching it spin and stepping on to ride each day. Life has been colorful and with purpose and savored like it should be.

PickUps

It's Friday, which is my pick up day. The day that I travel the house, room by room, putting away all the many things that find their way to ports of far. How yarn ends up in Alex's room and fliflops in the bathroom I will never know. But it is the day to return them to they home ports. The day to pick up decide if it really needs to stay, toss in to appropiate piles, put away what is staying and whisper promises to never ever let the scatter get to be so bad again. But every Friday it is the same.

My day is filled with picking up, cleaning, cooking, and organizing. A perfect day.

Things I am currently Crushing on.

It's Thursday, not Friday (boo!), so I need to share some of my current crushes right now.

The music, the Video, makes every morning awesome


The history, the process of getting into Heaven, the love, Damn Lisa See can put a great spin on a ghost/love story

Coffee, good glorious coffee.

Seriously, love this, I am thinking a self stocking stuffer!

Love this blog and what she did to her kitchen cabinets, I am totally doing this.

This first week back to school has gone great! Alex and I have fallen into a morning routine with out any issues. Homework has been a little bit of a struggle, but that is what the first week of school is usually like. This week has been like a mini vacation for me, next week will send us all back to the grind, Casey on a trip, Alex in school, me back to teaching a handful of days. Our schedule has become incredibly full all ready this year, every single day there is something for someone. I all ready long for Christmas break. But in the mean time, i am going to enjoy the cooler mornings, my family being all together for dinner every night, and mornings to myself.

Letter to Alex

Dear Alex,

Here we are all ready in another school year, but this time you are going into fourth grade. I know I say it every year, but how did that happen so fast? Time really does fly when your child is growing up. I have noticed over this summer that you are maturing so quickly, both physically and mentally. Your body has stretched to show us a hint of the height you will reach, your shoulders have lost their slimness that you always had, and are now muscular and defined. You are still whip thin, but getting the swimmers body that you deserve with how much time you spent in the pool this year. I have never seen a kid who loves being in the water so much!

School work on the first day!

This summer we had to travel through a litany of medical tests and procedures for allergies, hearing, vision and the dreaded dentist. You have been awesome through all the appointments we had to go to. Even the dentist which you were worried about. The dentist was a great reminder to you that if you forget or shirk your responsibilities, like brushing your teeth, then you will have to pay the price later. For you it was two fillings and one tooth pulled, but not nearly as bad as they originally said it would be. And let's not forget how crazy funny you were with laughing gas, brought me to the point of tears. :)

Regardless of the mistakes, we are so proud of you and of how you have handled all the change. You are a master teeth brusher now. You take your allergy meds, which there are so many of, like a champs because you know that it won't last for very long, just long enough to get you through it.

A teacher treat! She has got to be nice if you got a bag of Lucky Charms on the first day!

Alex, this past year has brought many changes to your personality, things that we see as parents that you might not be aware of. You are DARING, love to try new things, even pushing through your fear this past year to get to the good parts. You love your friends, and have learned to be aware of their needs. You and Austin have grown really close, and have both struggled through this separation. But when you two are together, it is like a day was never missed. You have been making new friends, friends who are nice to you instead of you always trying to chase after the kids who are mean. I know you are just trying to show them that you are a great friend and trying to win them over, but in life not everybody will be your friend. You have learned to read the signs and move on to others even though I know it has hurt your feelings a little bit. But mostly I am proud of how you handle dealing with them AFTER the rejection, you treat them nicely, you still prove what a great guy you are, and most of them have come around to now wanting to be your friend. Good job buddy! Speaking of buddy, I have been trying not to call you my baby any more, I know, I know, your are 9, but you will always be my baby. So I have started to call you Buddy, even though I slip up most times. Just remember that Buddy is just as special as Baby to your Mom.

Your silly smile, it is hard to get you to smile nice at the camera anymore.

Alex I wish and pray for a fabulous new school year for you! You have a new class with new kids. Your teacher is great, steady and firm, fun and caring. You have a whole year to reach your goals, make new friends, and learn so much. You are still a crazy funny kid, which we love to see and always laugh over. Just remember when to be crazy funny and when to follow the rules. We are a family of rule "benders" and we hope that we have taught you when to notice the breaking point, just don't use those new skills on us Buddy! *grin*

Finally a nice smile.

You have two years till Middle school, two years till lockers, 6 different classes, band, more homework then you can imagine, and no recess. Two years Alex to enjoy, learn and grow. We love you and will do everything we can to make these last two years in Elementary School fun and exciting, but don't try to grow up to fast. Enjoy this time, have fun and use your imagination! Bury yourself in books, Cub Scouts, bible studies and friends. Make the best use of every minute of your day and lay yourself down at night with your mind full of all the new things you have learned.Rest easy in knowing that your Mom and Dad will always be there for you to help with homework or friendwork. You are deeply loved Alex, beyond the Moon and the Stars.

We love you Alex!

Mom and Dad

Ability to

There are few things we love more then the freedom that owning our own businesses give us. Casey has a large block of open time before us, and my work schedule is light through the week. Which brought us to the past Monday morning, sitting around the breakfast table, I wanted to go for a ride, Casey has always wanted to go to Shiner. So we packed a lunch, gased the car, loaded the iPod and cameras and DS into the backseat with the kiddo.

And we just went.

We drove through some of the most beautiful country I have ever laid eyes on. Country that makes me lust for land, for the ability to grow and raise what we want on that land. Lust for space and small towns and simple life.

With all this vast open range in front of us, the idea of subdivisions and crammed cities and metros just left a bad taste in my mouth. But for the day, this one day, we were out. We arrived in Shiner Mecca, set out our picnic, took pictures and talked and toured the perfect example of a small business keeping all its employees and making money in the current economy.

As we drove home through farmland listening to the Ting Tings I happily thought,

Life is Really Good.

SlumberDay

Last night we were all up late. Late airport trip, late night TV, late dinner for Casey, late to bed when it is closer to morning then night.

Late in Bed, time together, tangled sheets and pillows, fans blowing, night vision... but then a sharp headache, that worried me, so I stood by ready to help if needed. Worried.

Enter a lazy morning, where the time on the clock is minutes from a double digit. Time in Pj's with soft light, closed curtains, small bird cheeps from the nest outside our window. We rise, wake Alex with belly rubs and back scratches. Make breakfast and biscuits. Explain comedy that is not quite low enough for him to get.

Then we return to bed because the pups want to snuggle in the sheets. The flannel and cotton promise cool coverage. He slumbers. I rise. Putter around, but keep returning to the bed to rest and doze and touch an elbow or side. Bury my face into Archie's fur, roll into Casey arms, laugh with Alex over his comedy.

Rise again, while he sleeps wrapped in green, and the boy stands next to me asking me how to make his armpit fart. Our SlumberDay.

I do declare it's a no Zombie Toy Day.

The beginnings of dinner: carrots, zucchini, crock neck squash, asparagus, and snap peas.

Yesterday at 5:05pm, I declared it a No Zombie toy 24 hour period, meaning we were not allowed to watch TV ( zombie inducing), play any video games ( including the DS and Wii), or play on the computer( except for an hour this morning for me to get work done, and a couple of 5 minute snatches to check emails) till 5:05pm tonight.

All tossed in a tablespoon of olive oil and herbs de Provence.

It went over surprisingly well, there were no tears or angry words or pouts, just a question of what shall we ever do?

Our veggies were paired with a small brisket sandwich and an hour of cajoling for him to finish.

So we made a very yummy and filling dinner, set up the ipod to fill our ears, we started laundry that had been languishing, cleaned up rooms, ordered the kitchen and watched the thunderstorm as it rolled in and brought some much needed rain.

The bowl of melon was huge, the boy was cute and the game was oh so fun.

After dinner and the rain, we headed to the library because it was open late last night. We filled our bag with books, came home and challenged each other to Guess Who while we ate up some watermelon.

This mornings fill, Bolthouse farms Mocha Cappuccino and Ezekiel cinnamon raisin bread.

I find myself up early this morning because I had to fill the pool before the pool guys come to repair a leak we have. But I wouldn't have been up if not for a small bout of insomnia last night, which luckily had me up when the power went out in the entire subdivision. I climbed out of bed at 1am, peered down the dark street that was flooded with full moon light, fetched my cell, set an alarm, and drifted off to the sleep while listening for the fan to come back on, a sure sign that power had returned. But instead I woke before my alarm, dragged the trash to the curb, made something to fill my belly, and find myself here while waiting for Alex to wake.

The Start

There is something so personal about waking up early in the morning, when the sky is still dark, the horizon smudged with purple lights. If I catch myself right, I can wake up right in between sleep cycles around 4:30am. A horrible time if I let myself think about, because I love few things more than sleep. The whole process of sleep has been a life long love affair. But slowly, in weekly snatches from the last four years, the hours before dawn have been romancing me.

There is a thought that always enters my minds on those dark mornings, that there is still a significant number of people slumbering in their beds, dreading the alarm that is soon to go off. I find myself smiling over that thought, of all those bodies warm and snug in so many houses all around me.

There are a few, whose houses are all ready bright with lights, whose kitchen smells of coffee and cereals. A few kindred spirits. Us, who wake early to start the day. Us, who know that the early morning hour has the potential to pause the forward motion of time, just so we can get more done. Truly, there is a limbo to those few hours before the world whirls into motion.

There are even fewer who walk the dark morning, enjoying the cool breeze, the lack of traffic and sometimes the late to bed nocturnal animals. A few mornings, I have walked with streets covered in frogs. A few mornings, it has been so dense with fog that the day seems to have slipped between worlds, and we have some how ended up in a fairy tale. There have been mornings where the darkness let's words that are so raw and true slip from my lips to the ears of a dear confidant. In those hours, life is so detached so open to reality instead of the events and things that fill our days.

Tomorrow, I will start waking between cycles again. I will embrace the darkness of the new day. I will turn my face to the East and greet the purple smudges on the horizon with a smile and more likely a prayer. The start is always there.

Monday Mornings

I stare at this everyday.

Ahhh I swear I could kiss myself for finally rearranging my schedule so I have Mondays and Fridays off. Mondays are not so bad when I can start off the week with a slow cup of coffee, some Jack Johnson, the tease of rain outside my window, and 2 too many puppies wrestling at my feet. Nice for me.

Snippets:

• I made pizza Friday and it was so much better than the pizza we had out on Saturday.


• Saturdays Italian restaurant did give me a fabulous dish called Charcoal Chicken, and a bit of buzz from the wine.


• It was homecoming Saturday and seeing all those young kids in their dresses and suits made me feel old, but awesome. Here I sit at 31 with a great husband, a great kid, I had awesome hair and cute purple shoes on, and none of those girls could top me. Yeah I had to pull out the ego for this one. :)


• I started SUPER cleaning the kitchen. So far only one side of the room is done, but on that I side I have scrubbed the counters, put away extra stuff that was out, cleaned off the top of the fridge, cleaned off random stuff on the fridge, and removed stuff that I had tacked to the wall. It looks so white and clean now. Yay!


• I made a Lemon Mousse cake Saturday for my moms birthday,and I really wish I had taken a picture of it. It was delish.


• Casey got stung by a wasp Friday, I felt so bad because I didn't even know the nest was there and he was picking up the hose that I had draped over the nest. Ouchy!


• I have a HUGE urge to paint the downstairs of our house, maybe because we are having two parties and one guest in the next three weeks. Eepp!

Today, I am going to squeeze in some Japanese food, some laundry, some homework wrangling, some bread baking, some mopping, some rain dancing, and some bad TV. Yeah Mondays are great.

Beyond Me

With a vision like this to greet my eyes, there is no way I could go into the day without knowing that it would be good, that my thoughts were heard, that my heart was full, and that my hands and feet would take me in the right direction.

More from Mexico

This tile is one of the many goodies we brought home from Cancun. At our resort, there were artisans each night plying their trade, and most of them where cheesy. But one night there was this guy who painted these tiles with his fingertips in less then 10 minutes each. So we stood there and watched him for a few minutes, and then I came back later with friends, and then I watched him make four tiles for friends, and then I got really specific and detailed with my tile idea and watched him make ours. I was adamant about there being no signs of civilization through the arch. He kept asking if I wanted a boat or a house somewhere, and I kept saying no. Casey was back at the room, with a bout of the sickies so he didn't get to see this till we got home, 5 days later. We love it, and it stays on our mantel where we both comment every now and again how pretty it is.

While I was down on the ground catching the sunlight to get the tile picture, I noticed the dog craziness going on outside. The mornings around here usually include a mad game of chase the Archie by the girls. Betty, being herself is usually just wandering around looking for just the right spot to do her thing. I was able to catch her wandering back up on the deck, where she could smell me, but she couldn't see me, and was more than confused. See she didn't even notice that she is sporting some grass on her nose. Sweet girl.

Then this booger bum rushes the door and I notice all the dark rich looking soil on him. Which means this fluff ball and the three big girls have been chasing through my garden, which I just spent an hour turning over the soil. Good thing I hadn't planted seeds yet or they would most likely be gone. Silly dogs. Archie even has dirt in his teeth. The nerve of puppy play!

Good Morning Coffee

Oh Happy Coffee day. This made a 6:30am grooming drop off time bearable, along with a Naked OJ and apple fritter for Alex. Oh happy day.

One to many

I must remember that banana bread made in our bread machine cannot handle that one extra mushy banana...
It was just one mushy banana too many for me... But the pups love it.

Good Morning Sun

Music Life Listed - 7am Friday

My iPod never fails to deliver just what I need. Shuffle Songs is my super Friend.

• Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
• Timbaland - The Way I Are
• Moby - Come On Baby
• Jamiriquai - Virtual Insanity
• The Cranberries - Zombie
• Violent Femmes - Add It Up
• Billy Idol - Dancin With Myself
• Blues Traveler - The Mountains Win Again
• Grateful Dead - Werewolves of London
• Dido - Here with me extended remix
• Red Hot Chili Peppers - Breaking the Girl
• Caviar - Tangerine Speedo
• Pearl Jam - Black
• Queen - I want to Break Free
• Counting Crows - American Girls
• Dave Matthews Band - Busted Stuff
• AeroSmith - Eat the Rich
• Black Eyed Peas - Shut Up
• Cake - Going the Distance

My morning time.

Some mornings are made to be greeted with breakfast by rain and lantern light.

What is that smell?

I woke this morning at 4:07 am smelling something, not a bad smell, but in fact quite good. Something possibly food based, but I won't ever know for certain because I was still in that in between state of sleep and waking up. But I stayed up because I totally forgot to set my alarm for my morning walk with Sharon. And I can't have my friend standing on my stoop in the dark while I am snuggled up in bed with Casey. That would be just rude.

After a walk, some business, some Alex scheduling, and some calendar reviewing I finally got around to visiting my coffee pot. Oh lovely pot full of caffeine that is so much better when cream meets you. Oh pot that drips black gold into my mega mugs and keeps me going when I really just want to join my still sleeping family upstairs. Oh coffee I love you, we will be best friends forever. Or at least until I develop acid reflux.

So who is your best friend at O'dark thirty?