It's All About the N

Yes, I am that type of birthday girl, the type who will remind you about it! In fact I have called my mom three times this week just to ask her if she is ready for my birthday on Saturday. I can't help it, I get all tingly inside when the cards start to show up in the mailbox and if I am lucky a box or two is waiting by the front door. I don't even mind knowing what I am getting because it is all about the anticipation. In fact, I actually like to make present suggestions because I usually have a good idea of what I want. Don't you??

So tonight Casey and I are going to have a date night, we were originally going to go to a friends birthday party, but then I was lured away from that good time with promises of Hot Fuzz and sushi. All about the sushi and Shawn of the Dead guys. I am looking forward to a solo night with my man. We need it and if I can wrangle sushi out of it, then I am uber happy.

I have been asked if turning 30 has been hard, and my only response is that I don't think about it. Liar, yeah I think about it, it bumps me into an entirely different region of life, but hell everyone I know that is in their 30's rocks it, so why bitch about it. I sure think I have accomplished a lot in my 20's, had a wonderful kid, married a wonderful guy, became an awesome trainer, worked the corporate environment, survived a takeover, moved to Texas, have survived Texas so far, have been living my dream of stay at home mom, and now I can also bake some awesome cinnamon swirl bread. The years of my 30's being in their baby stages is exciting for me, so much more to do, to accomplish, to try, to make, to be. I think it is going to be a good ten year run.

Being a Mrs.

Over the last couple weeks I have been constantly thinking about being a wife, what the roles, responsibilities, duties are for me. I have been inspired by some biblical passages, specifically Proverbs 31 and Titus 2. I have found some amazing women who are so selfless in their marriage and family, who struggle with the same things I do and who Changed. These women have taken those passages and live it to the fullest in their life. Luckily they have documented it all for women like me who need to learn.

When I was working, and rushing to pick up Alex after work, then sitting in traffic, and then maybe going to the grocery store and home to make dinner, I only ever wanted to be a stay at home mom. When I had that opportunity through a twist of fate and a corporate merger, I squandered it simply because I was overwhelmed. I had these images of June Cleaver and Mister Mom in my mind. I thought I knew how to clean house, I always thought that mostly followed by the wish that I had time too, but when that time came up, I discovered that I am a lousy housekeeper. I thought I could cook, and in fact I can cook for large groups of people, our First Friday parties were infamous, but cooking for us, wisely with nutrition in mind AND being able to use leftovers is something that I just couldn't come up with a educated thought on. I never even thought of taking care of our finances, that was always Casey's worry and honestly money scares me because I can't control myself with it. I thought that being a mom full time would be simple, I get to be with Alex all day! But then I had to answer to my self and my husband who works his butt off about my lack of ability. Sure I was good at taking the time for me, I nurtured me, I spoiled me, but my family suffered.

I have been blessed again to be at home since we moved here to Texas. Yes, I do work, but in the home and on our home businesses, sometimes I even end up back in the classroom teaching what I hated to teach, but now it is a joy. But I still struggle with all of the above. I have been focused this past month, on change, on living a better Wife and Mother role. I have been better. I still have so much to learn, so much to change, so much to just do everyday. But I can tell I am better. I am happier.

I have a huge role to fill as Mrs. Boyles. I am learning to not neglected it. To embrace it and shed the Nicole Price that I was. I have been married 5 years, I have spent the last 5 years with a ring on my finger, a joint bank account, a share bed, but I did not embrace my Job as a wife. I have been thinking of the current Mrs. Boyles who holds the reigning title, Casey's Grandma. When she passes on (hopefully not for many many years) I want to be worthy of this name. She is the glue that holds her family together. Her house is a Home, she feeds your belly and your soul. She loves and shares and is generally amazing. Through marriages and separate family names, the title will some day come to me to be the Mrs. Boyles, and hopefully Alex will have a Mrs. Boyles too. So in the mean time I am studying and learning and reading my bible more. And slowly becoming a fun mix of June Cleaver and Mister Mom.

Changes

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that

Leave it to Bowie to make something that is difficult sound so happy and hum-able. Or should that be Humble? Change is one of those things, for me, that I don't really enjoy, and this is where it gets honest, because I don't like the extra work, effort, and fear from trying something new that it brings. Do I want change, yes. Do I expect (and even sometimes demand) others to change, Yes. Do I wish it was easy and painless, yes. Of course if "change" is easy then it isn't really change and one is just saying it is Change in order to feel accomplished and therefore better about themselves. I am selfishly stubborn about personal change. Habits die a slow miserable death with me, and make me slow and miserable in the process, and usually those around me too. But today I noticed an apology where there normally isn't one. And that apology has been there for at least 3 other occasions in the last two weeks. First time, fluke. Second time, novel. Third time, made me think and therefore uncomfortable with the change. Fourth time, I realize that I am an ass, and if that apology can be sitting there shiny and bright and new, then I can change too.

God damn, I am feeling raw and exposed and isolated. See here is the beginning, the painful parts are digging in and making me aware. Crap...