New Years Eve, perfect

We spent New Years Eve at home this year, just like years past. There is a comfort to ringing in a new year within our own walls, with our cooking, our libations, our family and friends. If last night is any indication to have 2011 will be like for us, then we are in for a great year.

Me, tired, happy and anticipating a new year.

Casey, Master and Commander for all things fun.

Alex, a blur all night, there were way too many Nerf fights, snacks, and fireworks to explode to slow down.

Kim, girlie girl with the Fouey pup. The background image is a great peek into the crazy times we had.

Robert, Copilot and instigator of craziness.



Noticing the Home.

Perfect Autumn light.

I feel like I am saturated in the elements of my home. I have been noticing all the small details that make this place ours, the objects and views that are so familiar they are all most like loved ones. The daylight hours have shortened and it seems like Mother Nature has decided to make each light filled moment that much more special. Everything is golden, crisp, clear, and vibrant in these moments of seasonal death. Celebrating their lives instead of their demise.


Keeping Archie occupied with bird watching.

I am in the midst of cleaning for family visits, my mother in law arrives early next week. I am pushing towards that moment of clean when I can start "homing", making cozy niches and pleasing scenes. Piling quilts and towels, placing candles and glittering objects. Homing our house, creating comfort and cozy.

A glance into the kitchen that spoke to me of home.

Moving from room to room I keep noticing snippets that speak of us, the people who make the family within these walls. Coats and socks left out look loved and warm. Books and papers look inviting and interesting. The corner of the couch looks just left with lingering warmth. Puppies, like living hot water bottles, are at the ready for snuggling and mindless touches. Between all these bouts of cleaning and purging I see our life in the scenes of living within these walls.

I am so very Thankful for this life and those who share it with me.

One Bit of Bright - Our Final hours with Betty

We made a very tough decision yesterday, Casey and I. Alex was at my parents house for the night and our friend who has been helping us with Betty came down to help change her dressing. It was very bad and I knew within a heartbeat of removing the wrappings that she was suffering silently and that we couldn't do this to her any more. Kim and I cleaned her up, bathed her in bacterial killer to try and stop the stink/infection, and wrapped her tumor back up. I looked at Kim when I removed the dressing and just started losing it, she looked at me when we were done and she lost it. It is just so sad to see Betty in the condition that she is in. it doesn't seem fair.

She is still happy to see us, still wagging her tail ( but not like she use too), still eating, still searching us out to sit at our feet. All these Stills made me blind to the fact that she is miserable. She hasn't done her happy rolling around on the ground dance in weeks. She sleeps all day long. She doesn't give kisses. And we haven't seen her do her spunky downward dog "Let's play" move in forever.

So I made the call and got an appointment for this afternoon to end this misery. I am heartbroken and have hide in the bathroom to cry into a towel, and then sucked it up and wiped my tears to get back to whatever I was doing.

I told Alex when I picked him up from my parents house what we were going to do this afternoon and we both broke down in the car, both of us miserable about Betty's suffering and having to say goodbye so soon. Casey and I exchange glances every time she does perk up a bit, like she did today when she came in from a walk about in the yard, she was frisky, playful and we had a spark of hope. And then her playfulness slowly turned into a manic need to rub her tumor on the ground, to scratch at it, and grunt in pain or irritation. It takes so long after one of those sessions to calm her down and help her get rid of her stress. She has been sleeping for hours in my office, and I am dreading 3pm when I need to wake her up and send her outside for one final time before we go to the vet.

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We like to believe that our pets are waiting for us in Heaven, it is comforting to imagine Twain and Yuki waiting to show Betty the ropes, to think of her being there waiting for our someday. This comfort is small but bright in the midst of this misery.

Today is...

muted morning light, open bedroom windows...

summer work while dressed for the pool...

Lego display towers, sacred toy space.

Non-Toxic for us!

Back in February we made a choice for our family that was hard and long needed. We decided that the best thing for our family would be to drop out of Cub scouts. We had been part of the same pack for four years, I was a leader for four years, I was a committee member for four years, we only had 9 months to go before Alex would have earned the highest honor in Cub scouts, the Arrow of Light.

BUT...

In our den there were three boys who bullied Alex every single day. I had talked to their parents multiple times about it, but they ignored the problem. These boys would bully my own kid right in front of me while I was trying to led a den meeting. Screw that! I was wasting my time trying to help and teach kids who treated my kid like crap, I don't think so! I also was running the entire den solo since none of my parents would step up to the plate to help me. Which means that I was planning and tracking achievements for 12 boys every single week. And paying for them many times too.

The pack leaders were also problems, one of the bullying kids was theirs, I still think they were doing something shifty with the pack funds. Things never added up.

So in February, we quit. No notice. No pleasantries. Just quit. I literally boxed up all the Cub Scout crap I had, which was a car load, and dumped it off at the den leaders house. It felt GREAT!!

It was so freeing to finally have our Thursday nights back. We were able to put Alex back into Tae Kwon Do full time. Most important, the bullying completely stopped because we weren't around those ass hats. We haven't missed Cub Scouts at all.

Fast forward to today, I went into Alex's school to drop off his forgotten hat and water for field day. The wife of the pack leader and mother to one of the bullies works in the front office. She was abrupt and rude. I just walked away thinking that I am so glad my family isn't around that TOXIC bull crap anymore.

I went home happy, she got to stay there being a bitch. Sounds like a fair exchange to me. :)

A year to let things go... she said

My mom gave me my grandmother's diamond earrings today. The posts are ribbed, the backs have to be screwed on, a safety net so they won't fall off accidentally. As I attempted to put them on this afternoon, I remembered being a little girl, watching my mom put on her jewelry, and how she always reaches her arm behind her head to put on her earrings. I still have never seen anyone else do it the same way.

This little thing, this small piece of family that she has been holding on to, was passed to me. It made my heart quicken and thud heavier in my chest.

"I am not ready for this"... I thought...

I am not ready for her to pass on family items because I don't want her to give them up yet.

She talked about going back to Indiana to get the final boxes out of storage that were from my grandmother's house. She talked about finding the winter coat of her brother in the bottom of a keepsake box in her mom's closet.

Her brother died ten years before she was born, of cerebral palsy. We didn't even know the cause of his death till after I had Alex. Skeletons in the families closet, next to small winter coats.

She wondered out loud to me over coffee and tea, What to do with that coat? I could only say to keep it, because it was family. In my mind, I can see my grandmother in her closet, folding away her son's winter coat, memory keeping because he was gone and would need it no longer.

I am not ready for her year of letting things go. I don't know how to handle the ghosts in objects that she is ready to release to me. I don't want to think of mortality, not yet.

Spindling

I am overflowing with things to do. My sanity is running on paths made up of lists. Lists of things to do for every category of my life. School, Business, Budget, Meals, Bill dates, Books to read, Monthly goals, Crafts to complete,Family things. My days are listed and arranged as I shuffle the multiple pieces of paper around in order of importance.

Behind the wallpaper of lists are two people who have kept my week running smoothly. Casey has been the cooker, the dishwasher, the laundry rebooter, the encourager, the extra alarm clock in the morning, he has been everything I needed this first week.

Alex has been both a start and stop watch to my day. I start with a shift of mental gears once he is safely on his way to school, and then I spin for hours in my new exciting whirlwind and come to a stop when his feet coming running up the lawn to a home waiting for its boy. Alex has been curious and aloof, distance and underfoot, he has been my everything, my daily bookends.

Between the listed items have been snippets of my days that I am holding close. I work out a problem with pencil and calculator but my mind is thinking of Alex's handwritten birthday wish list. I have been logging in and playing my part on discussion boards, but my gratitude has been wafting downstairs where Casey's perfectly planned comfort meals have waited. So I am savoring these little bits that have kept my day steady and purposeful. These thoughts and memories and actions spinning onto the Spindle in my mind, crafting my new goals into our daily life.

And I have been so alive and so happy.

My Holly Hobby

I was sorting through a basket that has been holding a bunch of odds and ends since I moved into this room. I came across my Holly Hobby Doll, she has been a fixture in my life for as long as I can remember. She has lived in doll cradles, on the shelves of my pre-teen room, in a keepsake hat box through my teens, and stored at my parents when I moved out on my own. My mom gave her back to me when she moved here to Texas, along with a bunch of other things from my childhood.

Looking her over today, I discovered something tucked up the back of her dress. Do you see it?
It was a note from my mom that says, " This was your very first doll, your dad bought it for you in San Luis Obispo and you immediately chewed on her! Save her."

Not only am I saving her, but I tucked the note right back where my Mom placed it because that note all most means more to me then the doll. I love that she took the time to tell me a little bit of my history and let me discover it on my own. I can't wait to find more notes like this...

The Final Savoring #16

Today I spent 2 hours in bed with Alex, watching his face while he played a game on his DS. I watched his eyes dart back and forth, his skin soak up the weak sunlight, how his hair moves when he scrunches up his face, the very faint peach fuzz on his lip, the shape of his teeth against the curve of his mouth, how his dimple peaks out when he smiles.

I noticed the shape of his fingers, how the clarity of the skin on the back of his hands make me jealous, the single mole that we both share, the short bitten nails, the arch of his thumb joint, the slimness of his wrist.

I love my son. I love the child that Casey and I made together more then I could ever fathom. I could have spent all day savoring his face, his laughter, his words, him.

Savoring #15

Today I have been savoring memories, all the little things and big things that have happened over the last 10 years, a decade of life. But it wasn't till I saw Lisa's Decade in Review post that I knew I had to share it in my favorite format, so welcome to my Decade in Review LISTED!

In the Last Ten Years, I...

• Had a baby, a month early, who needed NICU, and I refused pain killers after our crazy delivery.
• Married my high school sweetheart at a vineyard surrounded by friends and family.
• Had a private dinner with friends while we had a private concert with Jason Mraz.
• Moved 6 times, last time to Texas.
• Survived crazy summer flooding.
• Fell more in love with cooking.
• Started gardening.
• Had a fabulous vacation in Cancun.
• Went parasailing.
• Gained weight.
• Let my hair grow really long.
• Learned how to knit.
• Scrapped for a living.
• Scrapped for a hobby.
• Started a business with Casey.
• Adopted amazing dogs.
• Fostered amazing dogs.
• Fell in love with a Shih Tsu.
• Made a Best Friend.
• Realized that friendship, like love, isn't always equal.
• Reacquainted with lots of old friends.
• Taught outside my comfort zone and scored an awesome contract.
• Went to the beach and watched the sunset behind me, so weird to this Cali girl.
• Was baptized!
• Picked up a camera to share how I see things.

Savoring #14

I have been thrown by the fact that January 1, 2010 is the start of a new decade! The last decade of my life was started by bringing Alex into this world and then raising him to become a typical boy. This new decade is will bring so many changes, school for me, Middle school and high school for Alex, Alex leaving the nest to go to college, and my 40's. All these things are far off in the later part of this decade, except for the school for me part. But today was the first day of a new time. So how did I spend it?

• Reviewing finances
• Doing laundry
• Making breakfast for dinner
• Marshaling two boys
• Writing thank you notes
• Reading
• Playing with puppies
• Living our life

It was a good start to a great new decade.

Savoring #13 New Years Eve

We enjoyed playful puppy time in the morning, trying to soak up as many memories as we can with Betty since she is so old.
Then later we watched the New Years Eve sunset as a windy cold front blew through, streaking the sky with speed bump clouds.

Even later we saw the Blue Moon rise in the East, peeking out behind clouds and very cold skies.

We then threw poppers and firecrackers and tried to find the spares before anyone else.

And before you knew it, it was 15 minutes till the count down, so we laughed our heads off with the Archie trying to get his Cheese show, gathered everyone outside and watched the dozens of firework shows we can see from our backyard.

First kisses of the year were exchange, hugs and loves were shared, and then we all tucked ourselves up snug in our beds.

Hello 2010!

Savoring #10

I spent part of the day packing away all that was Christmas. I felt a sudden urge to tuck it away, organized and waiting, before the end of the year. It must be that I am so excited for January.

It might look like a red body bag, but it is the best way we have found to store our fake tree.Then I spent part of my evening making progress, see Sarah! Little bits here and here, filling in spaces left blank, all most ready to start on a creature. Hooray!

When I think back over my day, I can't remember much besides a bowl of soup, laundry, packing away glittered items, Wii Fitting, evening cooking, stitching and stepping outside only once.

Focus Nicole, there are 6 days to go.

Savoring #9

Alex and Archie's daily situation... Begging for a Nibble.

A single picture to savor today, mostly because we were on the go the whole time. We went to church, came home to Casey's awesome ham potato hash, then Alex and I went to see Avatar with Sharon and Austin. Half a day later, we were home where we Wii Fitted and Battleshipped the rest of the night away. Soon it will be time to tuck Alex in bed and me on the couch with stitching and Casey bowling on the Wii. A perfectly fun simple day.

Our Quilt Stacks

This is our massive pile of quilts, all made by my mom except one made by myself many moons ago. We are a household that uses our quilts, they don't stay nicely folded on a shelf. Instead they are piled on the couch, draped over dogs, used as sick blankets, fort roofs, and dog beds, much to the slight horror of my mom. But I know she is truly happy that her handy work is used and loved and is a major part of our family.

On to the quilts!

Stack #1

Top: A flannel faced quilt backed in fleece, given to us an Christmas gift 8 years ago.

Middle: A Cotton face and back quilt, that was my Christmas 2009 gift.

Bottom: A King sized cotton quilt that was Casey's 2009 Christmas gift.

Stack #2

Top: My single contribution to the quilt pile, consequently the oldest and most abused.

Middle 1: A flannel lap quilt gifted to us in 2006

Middle 2: A cotton crazy quilt backed in flannel. The first quilt made just for Casey, 2003

Bottom: A cotton cat quilt backed in star flannel, a gift to us in 2000

Stack #3

Top: A space explorer lap quilt for Alex, gifted in 2008

Middle: Alex's Santa quilt that is covered in the most amazing embroidery, gifted in 2007

Bottom: Alex's baby blanket quilt backed in minky. This one had a wee bit of trauma attached to it since we cut up all his "blankies" to make it. He was pissed about that for a couple years, but now loves to snuggle in this one.

Savoring the day after #8

We are loving our His & Hers Quilts from my mom. Isn't her work amazing?!

Family Wii Bowling, Casey spent a bunch of today practicing for the next family tournament.

Paperwhites, ready to grow!

Some of us baked in the sun for the afternoon.

We finished off the Christmas ham, how we did that so quickly I have no idea. But that leaves us open to grilling, which is always a favorite.

I am halfway through my savoring days and I have to say It has been delightful to focus on the small things and those who mean the most to me.

Christmas Savoring #7

Dawn on Christmas Day!

As you can see Alex was all ready up, but I asked him to stay in his bed reading till his Grandparents would arrive. I think it was a sweet torture.

We all enjoyed our incredible gift exchange. Not too crazy of a gift year, but every gift was perfect, thoughtful, and needed.

There was a huge break in picture taking due to more gifts, breakfast, family phone calls, and HOURS on the Wii. Of course one of us ended up on the couch with all the little dogs.
This little Santa is all Christmas'ed out.

Our holiday was blissful, full of fabulous fun family memories. Truly one of the best holidays we have had.

Savoring the Holiday Eve #6

Christmas Eve, quite possibly my favorite day of the year. Everything is ready. Traditions are in play. And happiness is everywhere.

We enjoyed our traditional Eve Lunch out, which usually happens after we go to the zoo for the morning. But the crazy windy weather made that impossible this year. Hooter's still held all it charm with fried pickles, Cubans, and wings even if we didn't see our Grizzly Bear first.

Mickey Santa is outside ready to deliver presents!

Our own Christ deer has been reborn thanks to a handy Casey, some electrical tape, and wire strippers. He met an unfortunate end due to hard wind gust. But now he is fixed!

Alex is all tucked into bed warm and snuggly. Straining his ears to hear Santa's rein deer on the roof and the Polar Express pulling up out front.
And presents have started to appear under the tree.

Merry Christmas Eve!

A short Savoring #5

Casey and I enjoyed a small sleep in, but had plenty of time to inhale the healing properties of morning coffee before we were off to pick up Alex from his grandparents house.

After chores and lunch, I surprised Alex with a trip to Sea World to see The Polar Express in 4D, and all the other Christmas goodies.
The fake snow was a hit, but didn't taste so good I heard.

Finally, the theater, the glasses, the pre-teen really showing up in his face.

Once home, a dinner of delivery pizza and movies and games. And I dug out of my old old craft box a long dormant cross stitch, all because Sarah inspired me. Sarah, you have no idea how many times I wish we lived next to each other so I could talk stitching with you tonight.

Savoring #4

Today was a day of savoring without the camera...

• Teaching Alex how to wrap a present and then finishing all that was left to wrap.
• Buying the final gift!
• Delivering two more boxes of baked goods.
• Alex has a sleepover with his Grands, which means...
• Casey and I have a solo night
• Where we are cooking beer brats and watching movies...
• and picked up plenty of firewood for the upcoming holidays.
• Now off to enjoy dinner on the couch and scary movies.