Honesty

I have times when I have so much to say, but say nothing. Not a peep.
I have times when everything good and bad falls into blandness. Just a beige world.
I have times when I question the person who I am. Am I who I think I am?

I have used this blog in the past as a happy filter. Posting only what paints me and my life in rainbow colors. Now and then I slipped in some dark and grey, but I mostly showed my blog what I thought I had to show. This self censoring has distorted my reality, to the point where I think and honestly feel that all is okay even when things are crumbling around me. I have created a fake life, a fake me, and I do not like either one.

I need honesty. I need to BE honest.

I have problems.
I am a liar.
I have neglected my family.
I have ignored my promises.
I have buried my head in the sand.
I have faked it till I believed it.
I have crept so far into my own head that I ignored my body.
I need to grow up.
I am my parents child and I need to GROW from that, not wallow in it.
I need to be proud of me.

I hope that my words will come back around to rainbow paintings, that things will be bright and shiny. But mostly I hope that those words are the complete reality. I am no longer going to censor myself here.

Please bear with me as I change and do the right thing. Please bear with the dark and grey as I work towards a clearer Nicole.