Me

Alex and I went to the Christmas Eve service with our friends, the boys with us at the adult service since it was a special event. That service shattered my emotional walls, with every song, with every word, prayer, thought I was emotional. A barely contained wreck, I wiped my eyes on the sly and kept on singing and watching and praying. This service was more about the music, all traditional Christmas songs but with the edge and modernism that is our church. It was outstandingly beautiful. I kept thinking that the angels singing must sound something like the beautiful amazing noise that we were raising up. I was in the perfect place that night, right where I needed to be to bring my heart in alignment with my thoughts.

One thought that I have had ever since that night was the God's plan, Jesus, took thirty some odd years to complete. So why am I so quick to get things done?! Why do I beat myself up over the hurry and rush of things? Why do I expect something instantly?

Why?

God's plan was completed in roughly the same amount of time that I have been alive. And what have I done with that same amount of time? I am not saying that my life is made up of nothing-ness, quite the opposite actually. But everything that has been filling up my life, does it really matter? Does it work towards our plan? And can I even list the finer details of our plan?

When these kinds of thoughts start to tumble in my head I turn to a distracting "comfort", cleaning. There is something about sorting through the stuff around me that helps my thoughts fall into a pattern, a piece here, a piece there. So I have been chipping away at my office, the closet, the pantry, the laundry. I mopped today and I have to confess that I think that is the first time Casey has ever seen me do it. As I have been righting our home, my mind has slowly been righting itself. Balancing thoughts between reality and dreams.

And I feel more like Me in these last couple days, than I have in a very long time. With the New Year less than a week away, I hope to enter into those fresh days with a focus, a plan. Not resolutions, but instead goals, steps, a balance to strive for. A fresh new calendar of days to live. That makes me happy. Especially as I finish off this year happy, solid, and with those who matter most of all.