A memory of OH MY GOD!

Once, just once, I was invited to a function in my Mom's neighborhood. It was a Pampered Chef party that a neighbor named Callie was throwing. Now my parent's neighborhood is interesting, they live in a large subdivision in a new area of town, their part of the subdivision is actually it's own little enclave of houses, just a cut above the rest of the mix. Their cul-de-sac is interesting as well since there are 9 houses and I SWEAR to God about 16 kids. It's a great place for Alex to go too since he can go be a kid with all the other kids in the sac while we visit my parents house.

Anyways, back to the kitchen party. I was meeting all these women for the first time, and it was immediately and abundantly clear that I didn't fit. I was just a couple years to young, a kid short of average, we didn't live in the special enclave, and well, I am Me. When I get in situations like that I clam up. I am not Me, I turn into this observer. I feel like I have to find a part of the conversation to partake in. I don't fit, I am a square peg in a round hole. The conversation at some point turned to house cleaning, something I strive towards but never quite reach completely, THE CLEAN READY FOR NEIGHBORS TO POP IN HOUSE MODE. These suburban housewives are Pro's at this mode, they ooze it, they foster it while they have their gin and tonics, they achieve it to keep up with the Jones'. They were discussing vacuuming (Dyson's), cabinets, hardwood floors, laundry, and then cleaning the toilets. Yes, discussing toilets was the point in which I decided to join in and the next thing I know I am declaring that I clean my toilets to the point were I wouldn't be embarrassed if George W. Bush had to come puke in it. All to get my vote of course. And these Desperate Housewife's in their perfect outfits and MAC Make Up Faces, and sinful alcoholic bevies, bat their eyes at me, inhale, and change the subject.

OH MY GOD, what did i just say?! Me, toilets (?), ummm the boys are lucky if I clean them because I hate the mess they make trying to aim for the target. I feel that toasted crab bagel lodge in my throat, my face flushes, and even my own Mother doesn't look my way. Oh balls, I just shoved my foot half way down my throat. I am dying of June Cleaver envy and embarrassment inside. So I order my bread pan and go home.

About a year later my mom drags me to a Naughty party that Callie is hosting, once again the same women are present, and this time I sit on a couch with my ice tea and watch the desperate housewives around me toss rings onto the strap on dildo one of them has on all to get 10% off their Rabbits and Vanilla flavored lube they have just ordered. Blink Blink. I was embarrassed about my toilet conversation when they are playing suck the condom off the banana?! OH MY GOD. So I went home and cleaned my toilet and smiled.