One Bit of Bright - Our Final hours with Betty

We made a very tough decision yesterday, Casey and I. Alex was at my parents house for the night and our friend who has been helping us with Betty came down to help change her dressing. It was very bad and I knew within a heartbeat of removing the wrappings that she was suffering silently and that we couldn't do this to her any more. Kim and I cleaned her up, bathed her in bacterial killer to try and stop the stink/infection, and wrapped her tumor back up. I looked at Kim when I removed the dressing and just started losing it, she looked at me when we were done and she lost it. It is just so sad to see Betty in the condition that she is in. it doesn't seem fair.

She is still happy to see us, still wagging her tail ( but not like she use too), still eating, still searching us out to sit at our feet. All these Stills made me blind to the fact that she is miserable. She hasn't done her happy rolling around on the ground dance in weeks. She sleeps all day long. She doesn't give kisses. And we haven't seen her do her spunky downward dog "Let's play" move in forever.

So I made the call and got an appointment for this afternoon to end this misery. I am heartbroken and have hide in the bathroom to cry into a towel, and then sucked it up and wiped my tears to get back to whatever I was doing.

I told Alex when I picked him up from my parents house what we were going to do this afternoon and we both broke down in the car, both of us miserable about Betty's suffering and having to say goodbye so soon. Casey and I exchange glances every time she does perk up a bit, like she did today when she came in from a walk about in the yard, she was frisky, playful and we had a spark of hope. And then her playfulness slowly turned into a manic need to rub her tumor on the ground, to scratch at it, and grunt in pain or irritation. It takes so long after one of those sessions to calm her down and help her get rid of her stress. She has been sleeping for hours in my office, and I am dreading 3pm when I need to wake her up and send her outside for one final time before we go to the vet.

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We like to believe that our pets are waiting for us in Heaven, it is comforting to imagine Twain and Yuki waiting to show Betty the ropes, to think of her being there waiting for our someday. This comfort is small but bright in the midst of this misery.