Changes

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that

Leave it to Bowie to make something that is difficult sound so happy and hum-able. Or should that be Humble? Change is one of those things, for me, that I don't really enjoy, and this is where it gets honest, because I don't like the extra work, effort, and fear from trying something new that it brings. Do I want change, yes. Do I expect (and even sometimes demand) others to change, Yes. Do I wish it was easy and painless, yes. Of course if "change" is easy then it isn't really change and one is just saying it is Change in order to feel accomplished and therefore better about themselves. I am selfishly stubborn about personal change. Habits die a slow miserable death with me, and make me slow and miserable in the process, and usually those around me too. But today I noticed an apology where there normally isn't one. And that apology has been there for at least 3 other occasions in the last two weeks. First time, fluke. Second time, novel. Third time, made me think and therefore uncomfortable with the change. Fourth time, I realize that I am an ass, and if that apology can be sitting there shiny and bright and new, then I can change too.

God damn, I am feeling raw and exposed and isolated. See here is the beginning, the painful parts are digging in and making me aware. Crap...